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13,659 Views 7 Replies Last post: Sep 28, 2011 9:17 PM by Carrie RSS
6 posts since
Oct 26, 2009
Currently Being Moderated

Apr 30, 2010 4:04 PM

My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.





Last Saturday, my much loved Dad who I have been close to my whole life, lost his brave battle with cancer.  He was diagnosed last August with bowel cancer, which when progressed to secondary cancer in the colon, then finally his liver.  I'll admit that when I first found out he had cancer, I wasn' tas positive inside as I was portraying on the outside.  To everyone who asked after my Dad, I told them not to worry, because he was a fit man - an amateur bodybuilder - and that he'd beat cancer.  I always thought he'd die though.  But as he went on - and before we found out about the terminal liver cancer - I started to think maybe he would actually beat cancer.  We all thought he was going to do it, even the drs.  And then 4 weeks ago he had a stroke, a week later another, and it was after that second stroke they told us not only was the cancer terminal, but he probably didn't have long left.  I went up to see him in Scotland the weekend before he died and he wasn't the Dad I knew and loved.  When I saw hm on the Saturday, it was obvious he was brain damaged but he spoke a little bit.  But by the Sunday, the brain damage caused by the bleeing on the brain had just taken everything away from him.



The hardest thing was seeing him brain damaged and almost a vegetable.  My dad was a man who always took a pride in his appearance - he worked out a lot, he did body building, he kept his skin nice, he ate all the right foods.  He was an active man, he enjoyed mountain biking and going for walks.  To see my Dad, a man who I have always viewed as this really fit and active man who always dressed well and looked after himself, suddenly reduced to skin and bones lying in a hospital bed, skin completely pale, and barely able to move or communicate was heart breaking.  It didnt seem fair.



Everyone knew the end wasn't far away.  And although this was explained to my Dad, because of the briain damage he forgot about it and somehow became convinced he was in a cancer recovery unit for people who were beating cancer.  When people "left" the hospice, we told him they'd got better and gone home to their families.  He thought this right until the end and we played along and told him what we were going to do in the summer.  I told him I was getting ready to go in to my final year at uni, and that I was looking forward to him coming to visit me in London in the summer.  He thought he was going to beat cancer.  So when I said goodbye to him, even though I knew it could be goodbye forever, I just told him "I'll see you soon" and he told me he loved me lots and lots and that he was proud of me.  It was so sad to watch his friends coming in to visit him; them knowing they were saying goodbye, and him thining he woudl see them again when he got out of the centre.  Part of me wonders if deep deep down, part of him knew he was dying, but he too was playing along - giving himself something in his last days.  On the Monday I went back to London and travelled back up to Scotland on the friday with plans to go to my Dad on the saturday.  I recieved a called at 3:10am on the Saturday morning to say he had passed. 



I haven't really cried since.  I feel sad and I've had the odd few tears.  But no massive break down.  I can feel myself welling up writing this, but its not proper tears.  It feels as though something is stopping me from crying. I'm worried people think the way I'm behaving is disrespectful to my Dad.  Nothing in my life has stopped in this last week - I've gone out with friends - a very good friend of mine actually flew in from Brussels to take my mind off things which was a lovely thing for her to do.  I've gone shoping, I've read books, I even went on a date.  I just feel I'm not ready to even begin to grieve.  I feel sad, and I know my Dad is gone but I have such strong beliefs about an afterlife and I think part of the reason I may not be crying all the time is because I believe I will speak to him again someday somehow.  Maybe wont be words, but maybe he'll send a sign.



Has anyone else experienced this?  I know the death of my dad is a horrible thing, and I know its upsetting, but part of me feels guilty that I dont seem to be anywhere near as upset as everyone else is and I worry people think it's not affecting me.



Ana xxx



Kathy 465 posts since
Oct 25, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
1. Apr 30, 2010 9:39 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.


Dear AnaBeauBott,






Sorry to hear about you dad, and how guilty you feel for not showing your grief by crying (someone else who feels the way you do is viv7152 in Dying with Cancer, page 2).



You know, I felt the way you did when my best friend died.  I don't cope so well now she's been gone some time, but then I reacted in a way that was strange to how I'd responded to other deaths.  She'd suffered, and I think that seeing an end to your dad's suffering may have a lot to do with your response.



I think how you feel comes from the love you have for your father.  His death was his peace and so it was yours as was his illness.  I  also think you're right about your beliefs that there are better things for your dad having a lot to do with the way you feel.



Don't feel guilty.  I've said it many times before; that the longer my friend is away the more I miss her.  Your tears may be unstoppable at some point;  I hope not.  And that you can come to terms with the knowledge that you're right to feel the way you do.  It does'nt mean you love your dad any less.






Best wishes












1,879 posts since
Dec 23, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
2. May 1, 2010 1:14 AM in response to: Kathy
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.


Dear AnaBeauBott,



Kathy has put it across eloquently so I wont waffle on and repeat what she has already said. What I did want to say is I understand as sometimes the stress of it all backs up so much that you just cant let it out. I am sure your dad would want you to continue to live. People grieve in their own way and own time.



Stay safe and let us know how you get on.



Kindest regards






viv7152 16 posts since
Apr 17, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
3. May 1, 2010 7:24 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.


Hi Ana,



I just read your post and saw that Kathy mentioned me in her reply, I don't know if you've read my post but here I am anyway.  It's now more than two weeks since my Mam ''went home'' and apart from the odd tear at the funeral because of the music I chose, I haven't cried either.  I don't feel in the least bit guilty, the reason for this is because like you I have very strong beliefs in the afterlife, I know Mam is now at peace, pain free and like your Dad not lying in a hospital bed skin and bones.  Mam was very active for an 81yr old lady and the last few weeks of her illness took away her independance and to some extent her dignity, she wouldn't have wanted to be lying in a hospital bed, sedated and us all around her watching her just fade away.  I know my Mam is in a much better place now and one day I will see her again, she is with her family that have gone home before her and when the time comes, I'll go home, she'll be waiting for me, I'll put my arms around her and tell her how much I love her, just as I did when the Angels came for her.  It was a great sense of relief to witness the end of Mam's suffering and I know you feel the same way about your Dad as I do in what I've written here.  The first few days after Mam passed I kept asking her for a sign to let me know she was there, I've stopped doing that now, she is with me all the time and I don't need proof.  I hope you feel the same about your Dad.  Take care, good luck with your studies and hope to read more from you on here, until then God bless  Viv  x



1 posts since
Jan 20, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
4. Jan 20, 2011 12:22 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.

Hello Ana,


I'm very sorry to hear about what you are going through and others have already written basically  what I feel. I lost my dad in August 2009 and I too felt guilty that I couldnt cry, I didnt cry not properly for a good few of weeks but I was numb, I see now that it was like subconscious self-preservation while it sunk in. I have since cried and all along I have missed him no more or less than any other family member, I just dealt with it differently. I have since lost my Grandmother and a very good friend to cancer and I am dealing with it exactly the same way. I have learnt to be kind to myself and allow myself to process it all as, when and how it comes naturally. I wish you well and urge you not to punish yourself, give yourself the care that you would give to someone else going through the same situation. Sending my love.


Kim xx 

forevajj 33 posts since
Oct 7, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
5. Jan 20, 2011 1:33 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.

Hi Ana,Sorry to hear of your terrible loss.My sister did not have a real cry until after the funeral of our mum.She kept saying "i cant cry" .It doesnt mean she does not miss her or love her just everyone is different.I am a wreak and my sis keeps it all together.She says mums watching and she would be so cross if i didnt enjoy life.

Sending a hug


Jaydee123 1 posts since
Sep 28, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
6. Sep 28, 2011 5:19 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.

hey ana,

i am really sorry to hear about your dad. do not feel guilty that you can not cry, when my nan died of cancer for the first couple of days i didnt cry which made me feel terrible i thought i must not care as much as everyone else around me that were in such a state. however it is not that you do not care it will just be the shock, you havnt really come to terms with it. it may take a while but dont worry. i hope you find comfort in this. im really sorry for your loss

Jade xx

Carrie 433 posts since
Feb 19, 2011
Currently Being Moderated
7. Sep 28, 2011 9:17 PM in response to: AnaBeauBott
Re: My dad died a week ago and I can't cry.

Oh Ana, everyone grieves in a different and individual way.  There is no right or wrong way at all.  I know how you feel because I watched my dear Dad die of cancer and reduce from 12 stone to 5 stone and a shadow of his former self.  I can say it now without a pang of guilt but I was grateful when he died for his sake and for ours.  It a terrible thing seeing a parent waste away before your eyes and your Dad sounds as if he was a very vibrant person, full of life and to see him in such a state must have been so distressing for you.  It could be that at the back of your mind you know your Dad would have hated to go on as he was, lying in bed gradually losing his quality of life.


It's surprising how cancer sufferers can put on a brave face for their family.  My Dad assured us all he intended beating his illness, even when I'm sure he knew he was dying.  I, myself, have a serious cancer and I do all I can to protect my family and reassure them I intend to go on for years (I think most parents feel like this).  Don't beat yourself up because you're getting on with life as usual.  Many find it's their way of dealing with the situation and makes them feel life is going on normally.  Also don't concern yourself with what people say, as no-one could doubt how much you loved your Dad and I'm sure he's looking down on you, feeling proud as he's always has done.


Take care of yourself.





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