Cancer Chat online community
I lost my wife at the age of 35 in May of last year, we have two young children, a daughter of 3 and a son of 2, through every setback, poor scan result or diagnosis, she remained strong, and battled as hard as she could. We were very much family people and did everything together, there is a massive black hole in our lives, I try to bring the kids up in the way we had often talked about, but the family life we wanted them to know, can never happen, our son won't have any memories of his mummy and although our daughters memories are strong at the moment, she is young and I fear they will fade. I'm trying to rebuild our lives, although I don't really know how, I'm trying create as happy a childhood as I can for the kids, but for me, I can never see any kind of happiness again, you can go through the day to day routine of daily life and get by, but it is no more than going through the motions of living. I refuse to see myself and the kids as victims, there was only one victim in all of this, so young, so full of life and one who loved her life and her family so much.
I logged on here because I've just been diagnosed with breast cancer, but Robinson40, when I read your message I remembered the pain when my children's father died in an accident 16 years ago. They were a little older than yours, at 6 and 8. Yes, we didn't have the family life we'd planned, and they don't really remember him very well, and they can't imagine the relationship they would have had, that I can imagine. It hurt me to watch other daughters innocently flirting big-eyed with their fathers at secondary school sports days. My son has missed the father role model and the role model that a good husband plays with his wife in front of his son. The role model thing bothered me so much that I sought other ways to make up for what my son was missing and made extra efforts to keep him in touch with my brothers and my brother-in-law, and my late husband's friends. So he's got to know his uncles much better than he would have. Now he's 23 he rings them for advice on his choice of career, his studies, how to behave in interviews. In a way, he's got some good that he wouldn't have had if his father had lived. Funny old life. Never ever give up.
Dear Robinson 40- I am so desperately sorry to read this and cannot imagine the unbelievable pain that you are going through. I recently lost my mum (she was 62) and my dad has just been diagnosed with advanced cancer. Yes, they are older, but the love never changes. I have 2 young children and I know that my son who is 2 will probably not remeber them, but ny daughter (5) does remember her grandma and still talks to her. I make sure the house is filled with pictures of her and we always talk about her. Childen remember more than you think.....When I was 5 my uncle died (he was 33) and I still remember a lot about him and i know his 2 kids do also (they were 5 and 8). I also remember my grandparents who died the same year. Your children may surprise you.
I know that doesn't really help or do what you desperately want it to do - bring their mummy back - but it is a case of gone but not forgotten and putting her spirit in the house. Hard, yes, but in time the pain will die.
I desperately wish you were not in this position.
Love and hugs - your kids need you more than ever and you need them !
Dear Liz, many thanks for your response, and for sharing your experiences, I will cling to the hope that my kids experiences are like those of your own and that they may hold more memories than I had imagined, I think you are right about putting as much of my wifes spirit in the house as I can, I hope that in doing so, it will help us to have as much of a family home as we can in the circumstances. I am really sorry to hear of your dads diagnosis so soon after you lost your mum, I totally agree with you that age makes no difference and that the love never changes, I lost my mum to renal cancer in 2004 at 58 and I know the worry and anxiety it causes and the gap that cannot be filled that it leaves behind. I know there are not any words that will comfort you, but please know that my thoughts will be with you, and I hope you find the strength to stay strong.
Hi Robinson40, I read ur msg and I understand how ur feeling.. My husband was 40 when he passed away 14 Dec 2010 (12wks ago). He was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in Sept and given 9-12 mths but sadly for me and my 2 young children he only lasted 12wks. My son is 6 and my daughter is 4. We had such a wonderful family life and planned so many different things for our familys future. Which sadly will not happen now. I too worry my kids memories of their daddy will fade. We have pics of him all around and we have videos of holidays but its not the same as having their wonderful daddy around. I loved my husband with evry breath and I struggle to get thru each day.
I have trouble getting up evry morning but I do it for the kids. I hope I will give the kids a happy childhood, well as happy as can be. I feel as if I will neva be happy again.
I hope u and ur children are ok and u r coping with your grief.
My thoughts are with u and ur family
Love Lisa xx