Cancer Chat online community
Hi everyone, I just wanted to ask if anyone out there has had a similar experience to me. I come from a very dysfunctional family and had no contact with my mother for about 10 years although I had contact with other family members. When I got diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer 7 years ago I decided that my mother had the right to know. I got back in contact with her and we decided to try to re establish a relationship with each other. At first it wasnt too bad although she would never put herself out to see me. I would always call in on the way home from chemo. When I had my op to take the lymph glands away she visited for 5 minutes and couldnt wait to get out of the ward. Anyway we sort of jogged along until my father got diagnosed with lung cancer. Suddenly everything changed. as it ripped us totally apart. By this time I was 3 years in remission and when the doctors told my family there was nothing more they could do for him they all took their anger and resentment out on me. My dad and I had always had a special relationship and it brought us even closer and we were able to discuss everything from life to death/ funeral arrangements etc. When he died it crippled me. Thats the only word I can describe how it felt. My sister and mother tried to exclude me from the funeral arrangements and I was made to feel very unwelcome. My sister actually made a comment about why dad had to die while I was still here. My mother refused to speak to me on the night he died. Now 4 years later after putting up with so much from them Ive decided to cut my l osses and because I havent rung my mother and sister as Ive done in the past to try to keep contact with them they have not rung which I guessed would happen. Its been 4 months since we spoke.
In many cases cancer brings families together and it helps to feel you are all united in the fight. Unfortunately in my case it made the family fall apart . Thank you for listening its something Ive needed to say for such a long time and only just got the courage to say it.. My best wishes go to you all in your fight..Bubbles.XX
What a sad but moving story. I applaud you for writing about it even if it is down the road a bit, and sincerely hope you feel better for 'downloading' it and moving on.
From my experiences with my own family and there have been many I decided to take a step back and let them make a move - sometimes they did and at others they did not. For instance I have a daughter who lives half an hours drive away and have not seen her or my granddaughter since the beginning of the year, we speak on the phone infrequently and usually it is my call to her. On the other side of the coin my son and family live near Manchester and they have visited three times this year and usually call every two weeks - I call them on the other week, this is after a family altercation a few years ago while we were in Canada, things were very 'cool' for a long time but we all have moved on.
My attitude now is if they want to visit or call that is fine if not then that is ok also - go with the flow, I am too old for all this I just want a peaceful and quiet life - as if that was possible in this day and age.
Keep posting you input is greatly appreciated. Rodis.
Im afraid your not alone in your situation.My story is pretty similar to yours.My mum and dad divorced when i was about 18 months old and i was left with my dad.
I never had any contact with my mum until i was 32 yrs old.Suffice to say I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma at 34 and my mum was the same...she came to see me in hospital for about 5 minutes...i thought dont waste your time.My dad ,who ive never got on with since he re-married has never bothered,even though he knew i was ill.My thinkinging on that matter is...to **** with them.My life is what ive made it,no thanks to my so called parents and my cancer was just a small interference...im better now,with a family of my own,so all my energy goes into them and my work.
Some people may say its not worth the hassle and to make up with your family....but id say the opposite.....how some people,especially family canb be so nasy is beyond me.My answer is to live your life the way you want to live it.....if your family blame you for your dad dying or whatever,thats their problem to deal with.With regard to the comments your sister made,i feel really sorry for her.Ive got a sister that cant be arsed with me,so dont worry about what she says.
Sounds like me and you have a lot in common,so we could almost be related...lol
Hi Rodis and Shaggy, Thank you so much for listening and responding to me. Like you Shaggy I have my own family which I give all my love to. I think with my mother and sister its a lot to do with my bond with my dad that has caused the problems. When I was little I was always Daddies girl and it caused a lot of problems with my sister and my mother. It is a comfort to know Im not alone in this although having said it I would not wish our situation on any one else.
Rodis, it has helped off loading this and yes I will still contribute to the site. Like you my mother and sister know where I live and my telephone number so I will leave the ball in their court so to speak.
I too cannot understand how your own flesh and blood can treat you this way but it does still hurt because I cannot understand their reasoning.
Many thanks again for your lovely comments. Take care for now. Hugs.Bubbles.
it is true what people say that you can pick your friends but not your family.
jealousy is a terrible thing and the bond you had with your father may have been
part of that. don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for surviving cancer. you gave
cancer a good kicking and your father would be proud of you. when times get tough
remember the love you had with your father no one can take that away from you.
it wasn't the cancer that made your family fall apart but their failure to appreciate
the love you had for them. it is their loss. try again in a little while if you feel able.
i do speak from experience. when someone dies of cancer people feel the need to
blame someone which is so wrong. don't be their scape goat. be proud of who you
are and what you have acheived.you give a lot of help and comfort to people on this
site. family don't have to be blood related.
Believe it or not, my story is opposite....to a certain extent. I have never been close to anyone in my family except my grandparents. They adopted me when I was 13. My Pawpaw died years ago and my Meemaw is in the nursing home and not all there. My mother and I have developed a relationship over the years but are more like friends than mother daughter..
Over the last few months I have been having some symptoms that I finally went to the doctor with last week. My doctor thinks that it is a form of cancer but what nobody knows yet what it could be. I have already had blood work and go for MRI and CT scans next week on Tuesday.
I told my mother and she tells me to quit getting excited but I needed to make sure that I typed up a will and decided who gets what. Smart words but no emotional support at all. I talk to my sister about once a month as a formality to keep lines of communication open. She tells everyone on my fathers side that I have brain cancer. My father whom I have not spoken with in 2 years actually calls me the next day after hearing the news and tells me he loves me and I have not talked to him since. My fathers sister that I have not talked to in 10 years starts bawling on the phone when she tells her but I have yet to hear from her. Last but not least, sis calls my brother. Instead of calling me he calls our mother wondering how long I have and that he will come as soon as he is needed. I have not talked to him in years and still have not to date. It is all very strange and upsetting in its own way.
In my own little world, it is scary to realize that something really bad could be about to bite me in the ****. I want to correct the wrongs that I have done or allowed to be done to me. Old friends that no longer call and that I allowed to get away, I want to make sure that I do something to try to fix it. I realized how lucky that I am to have found a man that is as wonderful as life itself that wants to stand by me through everything. We even talked about the wedding date getting pushed up (we are to be married March 28, 2009) if there was something really wrong. We might be jumping the gun but it was on both of our minds. I told him that we could wait for everything to be done and finished and when I am out of the woods, then we can move forward. I don't want to leave him a widow. I know it is way way too early to think that way not even knowing what is wrong but it was on my mind and we talk about everything. He said no, he doesnt want to miss a chance of being my husband. How beautiful is that? Anyway, I am getting off topic but I wanted you to know that yes, there are many MANAY screwed up families out there. It would be nice if we were all like the Brady Bunch but thankfully we are real life families. I thank God for that one!
I turn up everywhere !!
While I understand your feelings and sentiments you priority at the moment is to yourself and John. Have these tests, get the diagnosis and treatment, recover and plan your wedding then think about the rest !!
Best wishes, Rodis.
Paris, I really appreciated your lovely reply. It made me feel so much better within myself. I do tend to blame myself and I will bear in mind all you have said. You seem very wise in all your responses and how you help. Take care.Bubbles.
Hi Krs122001, It is scarey when you are undergoing tests for cancer isnt it. You have a lovely fella by your side who will be there for you whatever your diagnosis and all my best wishes go to you both. Take care.Bubbles.
hi krs22001 it is very strange how people react.
some people don't show emotion and love to the
ones they should do as if it is a weakness it is very sad.
i find at the moment people will ask my husband how i am
but go quiet up when they see me and can't speak to me. it
does make you feel sad and lonely about their failure to
communicate with you. they are frightened to speak about
cancer and upsetting you. you are lucky to have such a special
man who really loves you and as others have said your priority
is to you and your partner. you have given your family every chance
to contact you if they don't it is there loss. you are the bigger person
in this for trying don't use your energies on this you need it for
your journey ahead. it is natural to think about all eventualities but
remain positive will help you fight what lays ahead. its about what
you have in life. you keep fighting and i hope when you are clear
of this you wedding is really a beautiful occasion.
i am glad to read that you are feeling better about yourself.
please do not blame yourself you have come so far now.
life is for living concentrate on you now.